MY LIFE DEPENDS ON A PILL

The true meaning of friendship

2005-12-16T21:47:00.000-08:00

i once wondered if friendship and romance could cross paths. now i have discovered it could result in a disastoruos situation. the pain will take some time to heal, that i know, but the memory will not be erased. it is sad, at a time when i don't need all this pain, such things had to happen. i don't want to elaborate, i don't see the point in all of it. i guess i have to live and let die. life is so full of uncertainties. just when you think things are going good, Fate drives a cruel stake into your life. for me, i have to pick up the pieces and slowly move on in my life. i have to trudge slowly and carefully though and not try to trust my heart too much. because its because of that heart that i am hurt, and will continue this hurt, if i don't just stop from trudging backwards, but move on forward and keep following the bright path. i shall try not to fall again..i will not give up. i have done what i could to salvage but such is the intensity of Fate's cruelness. but i know somewhere He is looking at me and will keep testing me..for come Judgement day i know i will be among the best..

im aLL shOok Up

2005-12-01T01:55:00.000-08:00

im stressed!! to the very core. nothing seems to be going right it seems to be getting worse and its driving me crazy. well my minds' a total blank now..so help me god!

point blank

2005-11-20T17:38:00.000-08:00

my mind is a total blank at the moment . i want to express a thought but nothing seems to come to mind. its a little empty at the moment. i wonder how long it'll be like this. i hate it sometimes but its also a blessing in disguise..sometimes. i hate it when he starts to nag..God what a jerk. but i still stay..despite all the shit..yea yea..same shit different day...

bon nuit mon cherie

2005-11-17T06:37:00.000-08:00

oh God it seems like ages since i last rambled. don't think i haven't forgotten, i haven't just that i have had it pretty bad. pass few months have been a nightmare and living has been utter hell. many times i tried to shut myself from all the pain but it just seemed pointless. has the world been a better place? not with all the recent bombs and killings..not with all the pain. everything doesn't seem right; it is just an empty hole out there. i stare at the night sky and i wonder..how about a new day? bon nuit mon cherie..j'ataime mie amor

Ramblings part II

2005-03-10T01:54:00.000-08:00

ok..so another week gone bye and i still haven't decided how im gonna deal with this life. maybe im just crazy..yea thats it. im crazy..i always have been, maybe i never noticed fuck..anyway been thinking about having another blog but then again i dont see the darn point. actually my brain is empty right now like an empty vodka shOt hahaha man i missed all that..why the hell does the curriculum system have to introduce ABACUS? i have no FUCKING idea how the damn thing works.. i mean u have all these beads and they're supposed to value up to a million..A MILLION believe it or not!! and here i am still struggling and breaking my fingernails flicking those darn beads..i'd rather flick a dick anytime..hmm

how melayu can a 'melayu' be? i hate that term..i hate how melayuism is creeping up to the malay society..everything is so melayu it drives me crazy..FUSION? crap..nothing beats asam pedas and a bottle of becks..which brings me to the article i read recently in the papers abt HALAL beer HAHAHAHA man what a fuck up that was..HALAL beer? yea right, that'll be the day. its so silly how people react to it..but when they see the teenagers and whats been damaging they shut up..a bottle of beer defaces the malay community but malay girls working as GROs is totally ok? i dunno..go figure

im not saying im not proud to be malay but the thing that bothers me the most is their mentality..everybody has to be better..when they call a cheena kiasu..i think a malay would be more kiasu..if A's cousin has a p at home then B just has to have one. if A is wearing HUGE RoCK ON HER FINGER b HAS TO HAVE ONE THAT WEIGHTS A ToN..STUPID RIGHT? so for any MELAYU reading this, i stress I AM PROUD to be MELAYU just embarrassed by their sheer stupidity..

Ramblings of a deranged NYMPHO part I

2005-03-07T05:34:00.000-08:00

sometimes, as im walking down the road, i have these ideas that pop up in my mind, how exactly i would write stuff in here..a minute later, i totally forget and then i just ramble on..which is what im doing right now. i was reading a friend's blog which seems a lot more interesting then mine...but then again..i don't really care what other people think..its my blog so fuck off..i have been having this strong desire to have my fifth kid..i know what people out there might be thinking...im crazy..or worst..NYMPHO..well im not. yes sex is my source of pleasure but then again..its all about sacredness..i think..there i go blabbering something that i have no clue about. im fond of doing such things...anyway..just recently i chanced upon this guy whom i've lost all contact with at a local forum site. we exchanged msn addys and LO AND BEHOLD all sparks and fire again. he's cute and hot..siGh..but well most men are (Tom Cruise, U K Shyam, SpongeBoB Squarepants.. just to name a few)..but i dunnoe..i've lost it..after all the shit ive been thru..i've just lost it..aaarrrggghhhh get a grip effa..life is too short for misery..but then again..misery likes company..and at this moment..i am very free..

Nympho on the loose

2005-03-01T01:25:00.000-08:00

Oh God im having those pangs again..my eyes are wide and the pupils are enlarged..heavy breathing and my chest just wants to explode..my brain isn't functioning, the play button does work. the scene is on constant rewind and the air is icy cold. my breath is like cold mist, the tingle like stabs of sharp pins running against my skin..this explosion running through my vein and a sudden screams rocks the entire of my universe..man sex is great...ok that was cheesy but i have to admit. i'm horny..so horny i could fuck a toy dick..seriously..but the sensation would not be the same definately. so i have my fingers to do the walking and touching and feeling. so why am i not in bed screwing some retard's brains out? the one i am waiting for isn't free yet..or maybe im just hesitating..but i've come to a point where hesitation no loger exists and i may just have him soon enuff..here's one for you 'jason'.. and OH NO he ain't nO retard..he's one hell of a wild horse and im gonna get him GOOD hahaha eat your heart out PAMELA LEE!!!!!

and sO it gOes...

2005-02-23T02:30:00.000-08:00

God i kept thinking it was thursday today. i have no idea why...i just kept thinking it was thursday till my son said ' mom, its wednesday'. even his classmate said that..was i convinced? i dunno. after all thats happened, i don't know whats real and whats not. ok so thats silly but i really cannot trust anything from the view of my forsaken eyes. they hurt..badly..from all that crying. i don't have a clue if anything is real and i stay that way from whenever. its painfully eating me up like this raging fire thats just burning everything in its path...a whole destruction process in the making. i am not trying to do anything to stop it because i don't see the point. im sick and tired of all that's happened i just wanna gie up..i wanna quit the fight. i know what all the persuation or wanting to change will lead..so let my life just lead me as where it should be..i ain't goin nowhere..i don't wanna know...

How do i hate thee? Let me count the ways...

2005-02-21T16:08:00.000-08:00

sometimes i wonder how many times i have said that i want to leave this torrid,parodical life?sometimes i think God is deliberately trying to drive me to my grave. i wish He'd make me a fast exit. Life is already too much to handle and He bombards me with test after test after test. Funny how i tell myself its all ok but you know what? Its not ok..nothing is. I hate my life now more than i ever did..nothing seems to turn out right and i feel even more alone. With every breath i take, i pray that He protects me but i also pray He make lighter my sufferings on Earth. too much has been said and done. I have nothing. Fendi is a lying cheat and a cheap BASTARD. i wish i could just kill him and be over with...and yet i don't because i am so weak..so weak to follow my instincts and i just go with what life has to offer..which is...NOTHING. i wish i could tell you fendi how miserable you have made me. i have suffered in silence for 8 years..i don't know how much longer, am i able to take all this. there will come a time that i will say goodbye. When that time comes...don't let it be too late.

happy 27th birthday to me

2005-02-09T02:43:00.000-08:00

happy birthday to me. i guess it was ok. im 27 now but i feel like seventeen, hehe . simon sent me an email and told me that my son is doing well. but he forgot to to bring it to school..sigh..simon is so sexy in his pants...i mean shorts god i want him so badly..him and his shorts..sigh...if ony i could have him yum yum yum...

life is a mystery..everyone must stand alone

2005-02-05T22:45:00.000-08:00

those words were made famous by non other than madonna. life is a complete mystery and sometimes it sucks. i wish i could stop whining but i can't. raihan's form teacher is sOOOO hOt i think im gonna go nuts. the mere sight of him in a pair of shorts drives me to pulsating ecstacy, sick i know, but what can i do about overactive hormones? im just not getting enough and when i do its just not too great of a session. sigh..its just not lke what it use to be. at times i feel like i wanna just go call jason and tell him to meet me me at some hotelso i can screw his brains out..or at least get him to screw MY braons out. i have these horny images of riding him all hot and sweaty..its so mind blowing my dildo's been working OT. i try to be a better person but the truth is im not and i don't wanna be... so there take it or leave it..wheres that darn handphone..need to call jason

Ramdhan Oh Ramadhan

2004-10-12T20:49:00.000-07:00

the fasting mth is fast approaching. am i prepared? i hope so. i just need to let go of all this negativity in my system..sigh..whats his name is meeting aidil and all..i wish aidil would just die. i hate him so much. anyway im too sick to care.

life has been fantastic anyway and its been good. i hate the fact that i still have to bear all this sinus but im ok overall. i feel like i have found a new meaning in life and being with salbiah and all..i feel im closer to God. which is good i guess.. because i hav suffered so much and i need to fill this empty void in my life..sigh...i wish Ramdhan didn't end so quickly...

why do they play with my feelings?

2004-10-07T19:39:00.000-07:00

there's this guy i got to know recently. he seemed ok but now i guess i would know better. he seems to just treat me like any other guy does which is crap..i can't trust anyone..it just hurts me even more...sometimes i wonder why God tests me with all this crap in life. i can't figure out what it all means...am i that bad that i can't be given the opportunity to feel happiness? the more i try to search for it..the more i get stoned back to where i started from..its so unfair..life and all.

Did time go by so fast?

2004-10-03T21:10:00.000-07:00

well did it? time i mean...passing by so fast i never had the chance to reflect on all the crap thats happened so far in my life??Fendi's a little cold but i couldn't really be bothered. i don't really care anyway..nothing really matters but my kids. so im being selfish..maybe for various reasons i should and its been too long that i tolerated all this crap..but then of course i'd just lament and not do anything..God im such an idiot sometimes..but then again i was probably born one so HELL CARES..aaarrggghhh!!!! had another one of those kinky conversations with whats his name..i have to admit that i do enjoy it when we do that but i don't know for how long...and how long life is gonna stay this way..
i desperately need a GOOD SEX LIFE.

so he knows about it..sigh

2004-09-27T21:57:00.000-07:00

he says he knows of my feelings for him..sigh..i wish i could let it go. .but i can't..i miss him even more when i do.. so i just let it heal slowly..do i love him..yes i do..but they say if you love somebody set them free. so i guess that's what im doing. Fendi has been so annoying. he just doesn't seem to wanna talk..so im just ignoring him. it seems that all that i do is wrong. anyway im glad i have Befrienders to keep me company..to kill time at least..theres people around to keep me company..and i feel free..lately anyway he's been so secretive...his cell phone is always off and he sends smses to god knows who..i couldn't care less if he does have some bitch behind my back.. and i will give him up if he wants me too. i couldn't care less..cause if i can't have what i want..i'll make sure he doesn't.

sigh..whats going on with life..i dunno..i really have got no clue and i couldn't care less at this point. i might skip class next week and meet up with Jason..i think he's just bored. why?? maybe he's just bored..but he's a sweet guy..honest and cute..do i like him? yes..the word is like and thats how its gonna stay..

sigh..i can't get him off my mind..i know i said i'd forget..just wished it'll be sooner..my head hurts from crying so much and im just hating myself. i think i need help..but where do i go to ..and how do i deal with it..i really dunno...

screw you LIFE!!..anyway Nisfu Sya'aban is coming up tis thursday i think. its the day when the book of life is sent back up and a new book is sent down. maybe i should start with a clean slate and stop all my nonsense..hmm..then again...maybe i won't.

He found her...

2004-09-26T21:09:00.000-07:00

my dreams have ended..sadly..how i will miss him so..it saddens me so much and i now that he is happy..well what else can i say..all this while i have been dreaming so much and now that reality has hit its so miserable..i wish he knew that i loved him..maybe he does and hes just ignoring me..so who cares...i hate my life..everything is so unfair..

P.S..hello to darling Diamond Fangs :oP LOL

Houston..we have a problem

2004-09-25T17:16:00.000-07:00

Ouch..my head still hurts and i feel like an overgrown melon.water retention..nothing seems to go right. my pc is driving me nuts and im thinking of upgrading to windows XP except i haven't a clue how to. i woke up late today..i wish i could sleep even more..but then again i'd end up looking like an overpuffed curry puff..lmao..hmm theres so much to think about and i have this obsession with biting ice. why? i read somewhere when a person does that, he or she is sexually depressed. maybe i am..because i'm not getting enough. SEX i mean. and even if i do, i am not enjoying it..Ouch..hmm if Fendi reads this im dead lol. anyway i can't think. my mind has gone totally blank.. i try to think but nothing comes out..this happens a lot. and i don't even know why..maybe im dying. sigh..

I'm in denial..whats it to you?

2004-09-25T02:53:00.000-07:00

so whats with schizophrenia..well lets just say its a dubious honour for the bastard who screwed up my life and he is none other than aidil. as much as i hate and despise him..as i have said..i miss him. why? i haven't the slightest clue but i do. sheesh..and here i am galavanting with Fendi. maybe aidil's just different..or maybe i'm attracted to bastards like him.

i can't stand the state im in..its so depressing. i desperately need a life and i feel like im on death's grip at the same time. i can't differrentiate what is real and whats a lie cause nothing seems to make any sense. Megawati is losing the presidential elections in Indonesia haha which goes to show Indonesia needs major help. what's this got to do with me being in denial? i haven't the slightest clue..

no i do not need help. i'm fine..thats what i tell most people when they know about the abuse Fendi puts upon me. and yet there's this part of me that just wants to break free. im not crazy..i know that for sure and yet nothing makes sense..fuck you aidil omar. this is all your fault.

I am bloody thunder..hear me roar

2004-09-23T14:52:00.000-07:00

oh no..not that time of the month again..yuck..i hate it..sometimes i wish i was born a guy..then i can pee standing up..hmm but for other reasons..im glad im a woman. hmm so whats new? nothing really. everyday its the same old thing..boring, boring, boring..Kugan gave me new pics of himself..man that guy is SUPER HOT..and he has a great bod to boot lol..hmm wondering when i'll be able to get in his pants ;o) hehehe..sick i know but i can't help it..im just feeling horny..im only human..of flesh and blood im made..(with a deranged mind to add).

went to see Junaidi's step kid..cute baby but i still think my kids are cuter. hmm i sound selfish i know..but well maybe im jealous..i'd love to have another baby but Fendi says we can't afford it.. sigh..i love newborn babies..and the feeling of being pregnant..so much pampering..hehe and FOOD..oh yes..FOOD ever so heavenly...

gosh im sleepy..and i can't get this strange thing out of my mind..i miss whats his name..i spoke to him this morning and we had a really kinky chat. boy he really turned me on so much now i dunno what to do..stupid pms..i hate it so much..but im so hot right now i could scream...maybe i should go get a cold shower and DIY...hmmm

not a day goes by..that i don't think of you

2004-09-23T10:29:00.000-07:00

hmm its already thursday..and its so horribly slow. gosh where did all the time go..it seems to be passing by so goddamnd fast and its so crazy..im so sleepy still but i've tons of work to do..Fendi's off today and he's gone to the Prison to visit Boy. gosh im so sleepy and tired..for once i wish i could just rest..

i miss him..this guy i don't even know..i miss him alot..its so hard and i wish he did exist but alas i only see him in my dreams..and he's so mysterious..the man in blue. and to top things off, i miss mom..i wish she was still around sometimes..maybe i wouldn't have ended up the way i did if she was around..i could have done better.its been ten years since she left me..and i miss her everyday..my only consolation is visiting her grave every few months..i wish it could be more frequent.

my head doesn't hurt anymore...which is good. i realised im addicted to COFFEE . yes..caffeine..and now i wonder how i will survive fasting in Ramadhan? i just hope i'll make it through..all in the name of Allah...

i need FENABALLZ

2004-09-22T06:25:00.000-07:00

my head hurts. im having the worst migraine attack and i have tons of work to do. i don't know when im gonna be able to finish all this crap and i don't think time is on my side.. Ramadhan is fast approaching and i have so many things to think about..the lack of eggs and its high costs ain't helping and im just so screwed..some times i wish i was a witch..i could just summon things..haha tough luck..here i am a mere mortal in too much flash..err flesh. i hate aidil omar..i miss him sometimes but i hate him so much it hurts..i wish i could make a vanquishing spell to make him disappear from the face of the earth..im sorry..i know it sounds pathetic..but i can't help it..i have lost faith and trust in everything thanks to him..and i just hate him...did i just say all that??definately my migraine talking..see..i don't remember what i just said..she keeps bothering me..i cannot afford to keep her..its sheer blasphemy and i just can't keep her...OoOoh my head...it hurts so much..Fendi's off tomorrow..another source of my burdens..aarrrrggghhhhh!!! he's taking 'off' on the wrong day...i think im pregnant..its a thought..unconfirmed..so i'll keep You posted. my head still hurts..i need paracetamol..or what i like to call it..FENABALLZ..hmmm..

Koala?

2004-09-21T23:34:00.000-07:00

ok that was a thingy i did in SPI forum..it actually tells you what animal you are just by sending in your birthdate..which is kinda cool..although half of the stuff written ain't really true..(go figure which one) ...BRUHAHAHAHAHA silly me..sigh..anyway comic relief for a really DREADFUL day..or so i think..but then again my life is already a comic..im like Garfield in the Book Of Life....told you i was unpredictable..so help me Allah..hmmm.. maybe im just crazy.

I am a BLUE KOALA...any of those in Singapore?

2004-09-21T23:24:00.000-07:00

You are Blue Koala, who is extremely honest person, and will say things that come up in your mind straightly. You are also active and very cheerful. You also possess feminine attraction and have distinguished atmosphere. You are very popular, and tend to be with lots of people. You value your friends too. But unlike your outlook, you don't like to loose and are a strong-minded person. You possess strong will-power, and are independent enough to carry things out without getting the help of the others. You have great creativity sense and are much talented in this. You act simply, but you possess complicated inner emotions. You may be thought little bit eccentric. You like to lead varied life, and try to change the atmosphere yourself too. You can make quick decisions, and possess courage. You are well liked by both men and women. You have great sense of instinct and can get right at the point of things. You can affect people as well. You are very strict on money. You will not go buying things on impulse. Someone you love and your love life is what is most important to you in your life. You possess great natural skill to manipulate men. You should not rush into marriage after a passionate love.....hmm really ? i didn't know that..did You know that??obviously you did..(sic) ..

sad,sad,sad

2004-09-21T20:39:00.000-07:00

sometimes i dunno why i trust so much..why i give so much..why i love so much..amidst so much laughter and craziness..i hide a million tears and i know that You know..but i dont know what else to do..sometimes i just wanna give up..but i can't..so many BUTS and i just end up becoming the butt of all jokes..i feel so sinful and angry..so much hatred and anger in me..no one understands..no one even knows..they think im being silly..but they don't know the pain i feel inside..i feel like crying..screaming and just yelling at the world..all at once..but then i'd seem like a deranged lunatic..but then again i am one so thats a start..the last time i did that i suffered a swollen face for a week..maybe death should ensue by now..aaarrrggghhhhhhhhhh i hate life!!!!

hmmm...

2004-09-21T19:18:00.000-07:00

life is miserable..i know i know..you tell us not to complain but then again i just can't help it. its not that im not contented..i am..very but its just that sometimes i wonder why people just dont understand what i am going through? they think they know everything..well they bloody don't. and it just sucks more when they judge me without even knowing me..Fendi included.sometimes i wonder why i ever got married to him..why why why and more WHYs...which brings me back to an oft asked question..what is the purpose of my birth on this earth? and i still don't know..

i had a dream..in it i was sleeping just like i was yesterday..but with all the commotion i woke up and i saw a different husband..this guy was tall sweet looking and he was a firefighter..hmm..anyway he was rushing to get to work and i wanted to help but he declined and said he could manage..he told me to get back to sleep cause he felt that i was tired..hmm what a dream..unfortunately the guy was not whats his name hehehe...but this guy looked like a model..no..maybe he was an angel..sigh..i wish Fendi was like that..more caring and sensitive at least..sigh...

SIRAH will end next week..so sad..but then again i will be going for SIRAH iii so i shouldn't really feel so sad..after learning what Rasullallah has gone through..i realise that life is not about want ing to be or having the most perfect stuff..theres more to life than the physical being..You know..i have come to realise why i missed out on the first part of SIRAH ..lets just keep it as our little secret shall we ? ;o) i miss mom..

so im in love..

2004-09-20T22:46:00.000-07:00

im in love and he ain't the man i married. he's the sweetest thing thats come into my life recently but i cannot..not in a million years..tell him that i do love him..because the last time i did that i felt it totally jinxed the whole thing..and i have not forgiven myself for it. he's fair..sweet..cheeky at times and he's a little grunge..hmm..grundge..i think thats how you spell it. anyway..he has the sweetest smile..he's humble, and so adorable..but i haven't a clue how to tell him of my feelings..oOops..im not gonna tell him..sorry..forgot..but i do like him and as the days go by..im falling for him..deeper and deeper..sigh..dear Allah..forgive me..but you know me better than i even know myself..so you tell me..

where did i go wrong?

2004-09-20T22:41:00.000-07:00

dear Allah. forgive me for what i have done. i know as a wife i am obliged to do his bidding..but sometimes he just doesn't seem to realise i even exist. is it so wrong if i love another..because my heart tells me so..and my heart just cannot lie to me..and its sad to know im stuck in this rut..